"We'll cut out bodies free from the tethers of this scene, start a brand new colony."

I've really been trying to come up with something interesting to blog about over the past few days. Any time something strikes me (usually something that annoys me) I think "Oh man, I have to remember to blog about this!" And then I don't. I don't know, it just hasn't felt right. Then I got a text tonight from someone (we'll call her Friend #1) and it annoyed the crap out of me. I was all set to blog about what set me off, along with what I consider proper text etiquette. Friend #1 was coming over to watch a movie and I literally kept thinking to myself how badly I wanted the night to be over so I could blog about her annoying texting ways. Shortly after she arrived, I received a text from someone else (Friend #2). I felt kind of like a jerk for texting Friend #2 while Friend #1 was being entertained annoyed by the little sister, but frankly, Friend #2 was more important to me at the moment.

Friend #2 and I have connected lately over some similar life experiences and I really treasure the talks we have. It's nice to know that you're not alone in your struggles.

God has blessed me with this unexpected friendship. We are separated by so much, but are connected by much more; connected by spiritual things that mean more than the physical separation. After the chat tonight, I kind of came to a realization. The more I thought about this blessing, I realized how much I truly take for granted on a daily basis. I focus on so many trivial things, things that most likely wouldn't get to me as badly if I didn't put so much energy into stewing over them. These things are meaningless in the long run, and if I spent more time appreciating the blessings I've been given (no matter how big or small) I'd be a much happier person. Now that's not to say that I wouldn't face trials, that I wouldn't have my down times, but I'm almost creating these bad days for myself. It's like I have some sick desire to be grumpy all the time and it's becoming quite exhausting. I don't want to be that person. I want to be the carefree, less bitter person I used to be. I want to be happy because a friend is excited to talk to me, not get pissy because they don't follow some unwritten text rule that I've written.

I just want to be better.

I've kind of begun the journey already, and some recent events have led me to believe that I'm on the right path. I feel like I'm being tested, and I can't help but think that Satan wouldn't feel the need to butt his nose in if I wasn't resisting him more than in the past.

SO. If you see me being a major downer or grump or whatever, feel free to tell me what's up. Criticism, of any kind, is always welcome. It's too easy to get caught up in myself. Outsiders' perspectives are necessary.


30 DAY MUSIC CHALLENGE
Click here to see the entire list.

Day 18 – A song that you wish you heard on the radio:

I'm a bit of a music snob. I get mad when a band I hold near and dear ends up getting a lot of radio play. I feel like people should have to do the work to fully appreciate music. Talk to friends who have similar musical tastes, research on Pandora or Grooveshark or something of the like, dig through your parents' old albums... Something, anything, other than having the Top 40 channels shove songs down your throat. I tend to think that a lot of people only like certain bands/songs because they're essentially being told to like them.

"Listen to this song we play 500 times a day! It's great!"
"Oh, you know what? It really isn't that bad!"

I'm not saying that musicians don't deserve recognition and lots of money for the hard work they put in, but I think people would be less bored with music in general if they had a greater personal investment in it.

I honestly do not have an answer for this question so I'll just leave you with a song that I'm currently listening to. But go. Find some new music. Music you can get excited over. You won't regret it.

"This town is made of aluminum, this town is made of glass."

 

You know when you hear a song and immediately decide that nothing else will ever top it? No? Just me? Anyway, I think I just died a little. 

I was checking out some tunes on Play Me Like You Mean It and my life was officially changed for the better (Too dramatic? Too bad.) when I came across this gem. I don't know how to describe the feeling that came over me, other than it made me feel everything and nothing all at the same time. I might even consider it existential if I didn't already know the meaning of life. I can connect with a song over the lyrics, but it's generally the feeling a song gives me that makes me go crazy for it. This one made me so crazy that I eventually became sane.

What are some songs that make you feel this way?

"Some days it don't come at all, and these are the days that never end."

I still haven't been to bed. I should probably get on that...

Mom: He kind of looks like Meatloaf.

Me: He kind of looks like there's another version of himself, the real version, and he's just a caricature of himself.

Mom: 

30 DAY MUSIC CHALLENGE
Click here to see the entire list.

Day 17 – A song that you hear often on the radio:
So, is this supposed to be a song that I hate or a song that I love? Eh, either way I don't often listen to the radio. Probably the time I listen to it the most is on the way to and from church. Naturally, we have the radio on one of two decent Christian stations that come in in our podunk town. This is one song that comes on fairly frequently, one that I never tire of. We sang it during our church's Christmas Eve service and it was one of the most emotional moments I've ever been a part of. (Third in line only to literally watching two family members die of cancer.) There wasn't a dry eye in the place, people literally reaching out to God. Thirty people dedicated their lives to Christ that night. The atmosphere was indescribable, but I'll never forget how I felt. How close to God I felt.

"Hey-oh, listen what I say-oh."

Apparently my body decided that it only needed around 3 and half hours of sleep last night, so I figured I'd get some blogging in.

I know everyone is DYING to know how I've been since the emo onslaught, so I'm happy to report that things are back to normal. Maybe even better than normal. In fact, I woke up the next morning like nothing had even happened. I'm pretty resilient like that.

Now, I know I said that I was back to normal, but I think I can safely say that I haven't been "normal" for a single day in my life. I was pretty much doomed from the start.

Don't tell my mom, but I'm kind of glad this happened.

I have no idea why, but for the past 24 hours or so, any time something remotely exciting happens I immediately say Hey-Oh! in my head. Thank goodness it's in my head. I don't get it, though. I've never said Hey-Oh! in my life and I sure as heck don't ever intend on it. 

Ooh, a new text message! (Hey-Oh!)

Ooh, a Twitter direct message! (Hey-Oh!)

Oh my gosh, I love this song! (Hey-Oh!)
Homemade mac and cheese for dinner! (Hey-Oh!)

Guys, I don't want to be that douchey guy who says Hey-Oh! after everything. I'm afraid that the more often I think it the more likely I am to end up actually saying it. I know, I know, just quit thinking it. It's super involuntary, though. Prayers would be much appreciated. I don't want something like this to end up happening today.

Those circles are supposed to be heads.

30 DAY MUSIC CHALLENGE
Click here to see the entire list.

Day 16 – A song that you used to love but now hate:

Our local Top 40 station is the only station that comes in on our work radio that everyone can agree on. Unfortunately, they have this knack for playing the same handful of songs over and over and over and over... I'm sure most Top 40 stations are like that, but it just seems like ours is especially bad. One can only take so much Rihanna or Ke$ha in one day. A lot of good songs have been ruined for me because of this.

I don't think that I ever particularly loved this song, but good lord do I despise it now.

"So cut my wrists and black my eyes, so I can fall asleep tonight, or die."

*Disclaimer: My thoughts are a mess, therefor this post is a mess. More of a mess than usual. I'm sorry.

Sometimes I just feel like being super emo.

I know I started out with an awful picture of myself, but man alive... This is just disgusting.

Tonight is one of those times, so much so that I didn't even want to write this post. I've been on this kick of forcing myself to do things I don't want to, though, so here you have it. Because I'm not really in the mood to be writing I don't have anything particularly of interest to mention. My mind is going in about 500 different directions, though, so I thought I'd just make a list of anything that comes to mind.

• I'm listening to The Postal Service and can't believe that they never made more than one CD. This is some of the greatest music known to man. 
• I was stupidly eating Ritz crackers in my bed and I dropped the wrapper, resulting in a bed full of cracker crumbs. I'm too lazy to properly clean them up, though, so I'll just end up sleeping in a bed full of crumbs tonight. (That was a blatant exaggeration. It was just a smile pile, and I pretty much cleaned them all up.)
• I'm currently quenching my thirst with a tall glass of Vernor's, and all of you non-Michigan peeps seriously don't know what you're missing.
• I just decided that I hate that saying. "You don't know what you're missing." DUH!
• I read a blog post earlier that got me feeling kind of sad/empathetic/I don't really know what. I was all gung-ho about figuring out why it made me feel that way, but then I (purposely?) started focusing on other things and lost my zeal. 
• I've been ultra sensitive lately. If I see something sad, I get all weepy and choked up. If I see something mushy, I do that "pop your bottom lip out because it's so cute" thing, and possibly even become weepy on top of it. If I see something happy/cute, I'll smile like I've just taken my first glimpse of my first-born child. I'd like to figure out what the deal is so I can quit being an emotional wreck. (No, it's not PMS.)
• If I had some sort of psychiatry degree, I'd diagnose myself with having Avoidant Personality Disorder and Dependent Personality Disorder. 
• Any time I get feeling semi-depressed I always think about this. The momentary depression feeds into it, when it's probably not really the case. I do have social anxieties, but not necessarily to the point of AvPD. DPD is another story. I've mentioned something about it to my mom before, and she said something along the lines of "Uh, you think?!"Gee, thanks ma.
• My aunt is a mess of neuroses and I see some of myself in her. I'm scared to become her. 
• I need to take more responsibility for my actions, and lack thereof, for that matter.
• Do you like how I coyly started out by talking about meaningless things, like this was going to be some stupid post, all the while knowing exactly where I was going to end up with it?
• In reference to the title of this post, I've never self-harmed. I don't plan on it. I'm not suicidal in the least bit. It was just the most emo song I could think of.
• It terrifies me that people are going to read this, but that's probably a good thing. I'm sick of lying to myself, and having something staring you right in the face is probably a pretty good way to quit avoiding it. 
• I'm kind of emotionally exhausted, so I'm going to stop now. Sorry for being such a downer. (I almost said I was sorry for being such a heavy. Apparently I'm a hippie now.)

30 DAY MUSIC CHALLENGE
Click here to see the entire list.

Day 15 - A song that describes you:

I almost skipped today's challenge in lieu of doing whatever I wanted. I was listening to this super amazing song by Passion Pit that all to perfectly expresses how I'm feeling right now. Actually, I lied. This is how I feel about myself on a pretty regular basis. Tonight it just seems to be to the extreme. Anyway. The song. I saw the challenge for today and realized it ended up fitting perfectly with the song. I love when little things like that work out in my favor. ☺






*EDIT*
I was all set to be done with this post, and then some. I went on YouTube and typed in "good music" because I wasn't really sure what I was in the mood for. Then this song came up. I adore this song and it seriously makes me cry every time I listen to it. When he sings "I tried so hard!" with such passion and brokenness... Ugh, it absolutely kills me. I'm thinking this was some sort of "break Stacey down (in a good way)" divine intervention, so I had so share it on here. It really is a beautiful song that deserves a listen or two.

"They could never find our secret hiding spot where we play all day."

I was all set to write this big complaint post about a coworker who always whines about having no money, yet she smokes pot 24/7, uses her EBT card to buy energy drinks, and has about 87 pets. I ended up finding a much better topic, but I thought I'd still make you this awesome collage to further paint the picture of what a piece of crap this girl really is.

This is obviously not the coworker, just in case anyone thinks that I work with Paris Hilton.

Moving on. The sister and I were watching some TV show a little while ago that featured a house with a secret passageway.

Jessie: I always wanted a house with a secret passageway.
Me: Who didn't?
Jessie: Uh... I still want a house with a secret passageway.
Me: Who doesn't?

And honestly, who doesn't? I posed the question on Tumblr and received a link to the coolest website in the history of websites.  My gosh, if I had the money I would equip my hypothetical house with so many of those bad boys. I think part of the appeal of secret passageways is that they make us feel like a kid again. (That, and if anyone ever broke into our home, we'd have the ultimate hiding/not dying spot.) Just thinking about it makes me all giddy. Imagine all of the fun you could have and the massive pranks you could play! I would make it my mission to scare the crap out of someone at least once daily.

So what are some other things that get you feeling nostalgic? Forts, wanting to spend an unsupervised night in a department store, enduring the fierce burn of a Big Red wrapper stuck to your forehead...


30 DAY MUSIC CHALLENGE
Click here to see the entire list.

Day 14 - A song that no one would expect you to love:

I asked my mom about this one because I honestly don't think anyone would not expect me to like a certain band or genre of music. I swear, even if it's something I'd normally hate, there's more than likely at least one song I can find that I like. She, for some reason, can not believe that I like Disturbed. I like rock, there's no excessive growling or screaming (which I generally detest (unless it's used tastefully, aka sparingly)), the lead singer doesn't suck... I don't know. Anyway, I've loved Disturbed since high school and will most likely continue to love Disturbed as long as they keep coming out with awesome music. Here is the song that jump-started my adoration:

"You don't really know why, but you want to justify ripping someone's head off."

The little sister has been giving me crap for the way I scowl while I'm on the computer (I need to turn the screen brightness down), so picture me looking like this while I wrote this post...

I showed her this picture and she said that I pretty much look exactly like this. Awesome.

A lot of things have gotten under my skin today, for no apparent reason, so I thought I'd write them all down and possibly find some common denominator.

I awoke to a text from a friend/coworker asking if I would work her shift today and she would work mine on Sunday. I abhor working Sundays so I was seriously considering it. Then I realized that I only had 30 minutes to get ready, and I would be stuck there until 10 tonight. The latest I ever work is 8, so the more I thought about it, the less appealing it sounded. I neglected to text her back and went about my day. About 45 minutes later, she texted me again asking if I would please work for her because she had been puking all day. (We're a very small business, so if one person is sick they have to find a replacement to work for them. If it's a dire situation, though, the boss will take over the shift.) By this time I had gotten a text from another friend asking if I wanted to do something tonight. The perfect excuse. Maybe I was being a jerk, but this friend/coworker is pretty good at wanting you to help her out with her shifts, but not being there when you need something. Actually, she's pretty much like that in general, and I have not been in the mood to put up with any BS lately. I know that come Sunday I'll be kicking myself for not working tonight, but I'm just so sick of being taken advantage of. The real kicker is that she's been talking on Facebook all night about the ski trip that she's attending tomorrow. Is it horrible of me to hope that she spends the entire weekend on the toilet instead of on the slopes?? (That is, if she is indeed sick. I get the feeling she just wanted the night off so she could prepare for the weekend.)

The next few hours were spent interneting and watching TV with the sisters. It became a bit monotonous over time (One can only watch so much Miami Animal Police in such a small period of time), but nothing real awful. Overall, it was bearable.

A little while later I received a text from my mom's best friend. She proceeded to text me for 10 minutes asking where my mom was, and if we minded if she came over. Not a big deal. She brought her son along, which also wasn't a big deal. UNTIL... I got up to go to the bathroom and he told me that he was stealing my seat until I came back. When I returned he not only made no effort to get up, but was also using my laptop. I had tabs with my Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr open, all things that I consider pretty private when it comes to people I actually know. (Well, obviously not Facebook, but I hate the prospect of someone posting something random on my wall. I'm kind of particular about the things I share online. I make an attempt to be fairly inoffensive, so I don't want anything put on blast without my approval. It's happened before, and I felt strangely violated.) (Man, that was a long parenthetical aside.) I noticed that he and the little sister were just sharing YouTube videos so I figured all was ok. Then I saw this...

This is clearly not offensive, but it meant that he was looking at the pages I had pulled up. I feel like someone read my nonexistent diary or something. 

Random interjection: This happened in the midst of all this crap...

The actor was pretending her food stamp card wasn't working and people were stepping in and paying for her groceries. So awesome, and so tear-inducing.

Around this time, the aforementioned friend I had made plans with came over to chill and watch a movie. This friend tends to be a bit insanely clingy, so I'm generally on edge around her. She does this thing when we watch movies that irritates me beyond words. Every time something funny happens, she insists on looking right at me and laughing. Ok, we're watching the same movie. I saw it. I'd say it's as bad as when people say "DID YOU SEE THAT?!" but it's actually worse because I have this weird phobia of people staring at me. Well, maybe not a phobia, but it makes me ultra uncomfortable. We were sitting directly beside each other tonight, though, so I was super stoked about not having to pretend I couldn't see her every time she looked at me. (That's what I do. Ignore it and it will go away, right?) What ended up unfolding, though, was entirely too horrific. Instead of enduring awkward gazes every time something funny happened, she did that weird "lightly smack you with the back of my hand" thing. The movie we were watching was hilarious, so I ended up just getting smacked repeatedly for an hour and a half.

I let my dad use my laptop while we watched the movie, and assumed he'd give it back once it was over. (There I go, assuming again. Maybe that's the common denominator in this all!) Instead, he stayed on for 2 more hours while I sat on the couch and silently stewed. At one point I tried asking for it back and he shot out some whiny excuse about how he was almost done, and he just NEEDED to look at a few more things... Whatever. I don't care. I sat on my butt for 7 hours waiting for the stupid thing, and I think I should be able to use it whenever I darn well please.

In the mean time, I did some Twittering and received some of the sweetest tweets ever. After a moment of heart melting and cheesy grins, I got kind of depressed. People online, people I barely know, treat me better than the majority of people that are actually in my life. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and wouldn't trade them for anything, but living at home means I'm subjected to many more annoying family moments than the average twenty-something. I'd rely on my friends to save my sanity, but I've eliminated most of them from my life since they royally sucked. The few true friends I do have I rarely see. Moments like these make me realize how much I truly need to save up my cash and get the eff out of this town. Sorry, this just took a major turn toward depression city. I'll stop babbling now.

So what do you think? Am I being ultra sensitive to everything, or do people just generally suck?

Also, if you stuck it out all the way through this, you deserve a cookie and a massive bear hug.