I don't particularly expect anyone to empathize with this, or understand where I'm coming from. I still don't completely understand where I am coming from. What I do understand, though, is that this is something God has been telling me to do, and I couldn't ignore Him any longer. If you have any questions or complaints or anything at all, please don't hesitate to talk to me about it. I want to be as open about this as I possibly can.
MY TESTIMONY
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
"You take a heart, I can take out you."
I've been putting off writing this post for almost a week. I came up with every excuse in the book, but the truth is that I just didn't want to face my emotions. I didn't quite understand, because I've discussed this with several different people, but then I realized that I only discussed the details. My true emotions was never the topic at hand.
One of my excuses was that I was unsure if I could talk about this without giving up exact details. I don't want to publicly call anyone out, or make anyone look bad. And I'm still not sure if that's possible, but I'm going to try. Please bear with me if it gets at all confusing.
My heart has been broken. Plain and simple. And it breaks a little more every time I tell myself that. I like to think of myself as pretty resilient, but for some reason this break isn't healing as quickly as the others. It's getting there, but certainly not as quickly as I'd like it to. I guess I should rewind to last summer so you can fully understand what's going on. I was basically in a situation where I was taken completely from my comfort zone and thrust into a new, and somewhat frightening, environment. Unfortunate circumstances essentially forced me into a situation that I felt I was not meant to be a part of. I tried and tried to resist. And part of that was my stubbornness, my desire to stay where I felt most at home, but I couldn't quite shake the feeling that this was not where my path was supposed to lead. I kept my heart very guarded, and that is not me. I dive head first into relationships. As I'm sure a few people reading this can attest to, if we become friends I will treat you like a best friend right out of the gate. I'm pretty all or nothing in the relationship department.
Anyway, as stonewalled as I tried to be, I eventually realized that I was not going to be able to worm my way out of the situation. I (VERY) slowly began to let my guard down, and things began to look up a little. I decided that things weren't as bad as I had been making them out to be, and if I was going to be stuck there, I might as well try to make the best of it. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em! The little advances I was making in opening my heart became larger and larger. I put myself out there. I forced myself to go on outings and be social. I am not social. I can't even begin to explain how big of a deal this was. I don't even do things with friends half the time, let alone people I barely know. But I could see the fruits of my labor. I shoved (most of) my anxieties aside, and was finding myself more and more content with the way things were turning out. I was happy.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago to a small conflict between my family and some others. Things were being discussed calmly and rationally though, like adults should, and everything seemed to make its way back to where it initially was. Boy was I wrong. Apparently discussing things calmly and rationally meant "I'm going to be one person to your face, and someone COMPLETELY different when I'm around people 'more important' than you." Long story short, the conflict could not be resolved and we were left with no other option but to remove ourselves from the very situation that I didn't want to be a part of in the first place. The very situation that I struggled and struggled and struggled to become okay with. The very situation that eventually made me happy. I hadn't been truly happy in a long time. And now we were leaving.
At first I tried to convince myself that I didn't care. I didn't have any "real" emotional ties there. I hadn't made any "real" friends. No one had greatly impacted my life. I was just indifferent to it all. Indifference quickly turned to anger, though. The way it all played out disgusted me (it still does), and I couldn't help but think that everything went down exactly opposite of how it should have. These should have been loving, generous people that tried to make everything right. And by right, I don't mean that everyone had to be on the same page, but at least that everyone could have agreed to disagree. Instead, it was their way or the highway, and they didn't really care what happened to us from that point forward. And that is where my anger turned to hurt. To heart break. Even if I didn't make any lifelong friends or deep emotional connections, the truth was that I had become happy with something that I was never going to be a part of again. I opened my heart only to have it closed for me. I had no choice in the matter. I put my trust in someone who broke it.
That is what upsets me most. I am such a trusting person, even when I probably shouldn't be. I'm always giving the benefit of the doubt, the second/third/fourth chances. And the one time my heart was begging me to protect it, I let it down. I exposed it to great joy and, consequently, great pain in a very small period of time. I don't want to be that girl who doesn't trust people. And even more, I don't want to be that girl who doesn't trust herself. That's never been me, and I've been happy with that. Sure, things haven't always gone my way, but I was always content with the person I was and the choices I made. There was never any regret.
Now I am full of nothing but regret.
I'm mostly done grieving, but the broken trust is going to take a lot longer to bounce back from. I'm starting to think that maybe this is all a lesson in putting my trust in God alone. The world will always let me down, but He stands firm. He is always good.
And if you haven't yet made your way over to Sarah's blog to read my guest post, you should probably do that now. Treat yourself to a laugh at my expense, especially after reading this depressing piece of my mind.
One of my excuses was that I was unsure if I could talk about this without giving up exact details. I don't want to publicly call anyone out, or make anyone look bad. And I'm still not sure if that's possible, but I'm going to try. Please bear with me if it gets at all confusing.
My heart has been broken. Plain and simple. And it breaks a little more every time I tell myself that. I like to think of myself as pretty resilient, but for some reason this break isn't healing as quickly as the others. It's getting there, but certainly not as quickly as I'd like it to. I guess I should rewind to last summer so you can fully understand what's going on. I was basically in a situation where I was taken completely from my comfort zone and thrust into a new, and somewhat frightening, environment. Unfortunate circumstances essentially forced me into a situation that I felt I was not meant to be a part of. I tried and tried to resist. And part of that was my stubbornness, my desire to stay where I felt most at home, but I couldn't quite shake the feeling that this was not where my path was supposed to lead. I kept my heart very guarded, and that is not me. I dive head first into relationships. As I'm sure a few people reading this can attest to, if we become friends I will treat you like a best friend right out of the gate. I'm pretty all or nothing in the relationship department.
Anyway, as stonewalled as I tried to be, I eventually realized that I was not going to be able to worm my way out of the situation. I (VERY) slowly began to let my guard down, and things began to look up a little. I decided that things weren't as bad as I had been making them out to be, and if I was going to be stuck there, I might as well try to make the best of it. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em! The little advances I was making in opening my heart became larger and larger. I put myself out there. I forced myself to go on outings and be social. I am not social. I can't even begin to explain how big of a deal this was. I don't even do things with friends half the time, let alone people I barely know. But I could see the fruits of my labor. I shoved (most of) my anxieties aside, and was finding myself more and more content with the way things were turning out. I was happy.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago to a small conflict between my family and some others. Things were being discussed calmly and rationally though, like adults should, and everything seemed to make its way back to where it initially was. Boy was I wrong. Apparently discussing things calmly and rationally meant "I'm going to be one person to your face, and someone COMPLETELY different when I'm around people 'more important' than you." Long story short, the conflict could not be resolved and we were left with no other option but to remove ourselves from the very situation that I didn't want to be a part of in the first place. The very situation that I struggled and struggled and struggled to become okay with. The very situation that eventually made me happy. I hadn't been truly happy in a long time. And now we were leaving.
At first I tried to convince myself that I didn't care. I didn't have any "real" emotional ties there. I hadn't made any "real" friends. No one had greatly impacted my life. I was just indifferent to it all. Indifference quickly turned to anger, though. The way it all played out disgusted me (it still does), and I couldn't help but think that everything went down exactly opposite of how it should have. These should have been loving, generous people that tried to make everything right. And by right, I don't mean that everyone had to be on the same page, but at least that everyone could have agreed to disagree. Instead, it was their way or the highway, and they didn't really care what happened to us from that point forward. And that is where my anger turned to hurt. To heart break. Even if I didn't make any lifelong friends or deep emotional connections, the truth was that I had become happy with something that I was never going to be a part of again. I opened my heart only to have it closed for me. I had no choice in the matter. I put my trust in someone who broke it.
That is what upsets me most. I am such a trusting person, even when I probably shouldn't be. I'm always giving the benefit of the doubt, the second/third/fourth chances. And the one time my heart was begging me to protect it, I let it down. I exposed it to great joy and, consequently, great pain in a very small period of time. I don't want to be that girl who doesn't trust people. And even more, I don't want to be that girl who doesn't trust herself. That's never been me, and I've been happy with that. Sure, things haven't always gone my way, but I was always content with the person I was and the choices I made. There was never any regret.
Now I am full of nothing but regret.
I'm mostly done grieving, but the broken trust is going to take a lot longer to bounce back from. I'm starting to think that maybe this is all a lesson in putting my trust in God alone. The world will always let me down, but He stands firm. He is always good.
And if you haven't yet made your way over to Sarah's blog to read my guest post, you should probably do that now. Treat yourself to a laugh at my expense, especially after reading this depressing piece of my mind.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
"We'll cut out bodies free from the tethers of this scene, start a brand new colony."
I've really been trying to come up with something interesting to blog about over the past few days. Any time something strikes me (usually something that annoys me) I think "Oh man, I have to remember to blog about this!" And then I don't. I don't know, it just hasn't felt right. Then I got a text tonight from someone (we'll call her Friend #1) and it annoyed the crap out of me. I was all set to blog about what set me off, along with what I consider proper text etiquette. Friend #1 was coming over to watch a movie and I literally kept thinking to myself how badly I wanted the night to be over so I could blog about her annoying texting ways. Shortly after she arrived, I received a text from someone else (Friend #2). I felt kind of like a jerk for texting Friend #2 while Friend #1 was being entertained annoyed by the little sister, but frankly, Friend #2 was more important to me at the moment.
Friend #2 and I have connected lately over some similar life experiences and I really treasure the talks we have. It's nice to know that you're not alone in your struggles.
God has blessed me with this unexpected friendship. We are separated by so much, but are connected by much more; connected by spiritual things that mean more than the physical separation. After the chat tonight, I kind of came to a realization. The more I thought about this blessing, I realized how much I truly take for granted on a daily basis. I focus on so many trivial things, things that most likely wouldn't get to me as badly if I didn't put so much energy into stewing over them. These things are meaningless in the long run, and if I spent more time appreciating the blessings I've been given (no matter how big or small) I'd be a much happier person. Now that's not to say that I wouldn't face trials, that I wouldn't have my down times, but I'm almost creating these bad days for myself. It's like I have some sick desire to be grumpy all the time and it's becoming quite exhausting. I don't want to be that person. I want to be the carefree, less bitter person I used to be. I want to be happy because a friend is excited to talk to me, not get pissy because they don't follow some unwritten text rule that I've written.
I just want to be better.
I've kind of begun the journey already, and some recent events have led me to believe that I'm on the right path. I feel like I'm being tested, and I can't help but think that Satan wouldn't feel the need to butt his nose in if I wasn't resisting him more than in the past.
SO. If you see me being a major downer or grump or whatever, feel free to tell me what's up. Criticism, of any kind, is always welcome. It's too easy to get caught up in myself. Outsiders' perspectives are necessary.
30 DAY MUSIC CHALLENGE
Click here to see the entire list.
Day 18 – A song that you wish you heard on the radio:
I'm a bit of a music snob. I get mad when a band I hold near and dear ends up getting a lot of radio play. I feel like people should have to do the work to fully appreciate music. Talk to friends who have similar musical tastes, research on Pandora or Grooveshark or something of the like, dig through your parents' old albums... Something, anything, other than having the Top 40 channels shove songs down your throat. I tend to think that a lot of people only like certain bands/songs because they're essentially being told to like them.
"Listen to this song we play 500 times a day! It's great!"
"Oh, you know what? It really isn't that bad!"
I'm not saying that musicians don't deserve recognition and lots of money for the hard work they put in, but I think people would be less bored with music in general if they had a greater personal investment in it.
I honestly do not have an answer for this question so I'll just leave you with a song that I'm currently listening to. But go. Find some new music. Music you can get excited over. You won't regret it.
Friend #2 and I have connected lately over some similar life experiences and I really treasure the talks we have. It's nice to know that you're not alone in your struggles.
God has blessed me with this unexpected friendship. We are separated by so much, but are connected by much more; connected by spiritual things that mean more than the physical separation. After the chat tonight, I kind of came to a realization. The more I thought about this blessing, I realized how much I truly take for granted on a daily basis. I focus on so many trivial things, things that most likely wouldn't get to me as badly if I didn't put so much energy into stewing over them. These things are meaningless in the long run, and if I spent more time appreciating the blessings I've been given (no matter how big or small) I'd be a much happier person. Now that's not to say that I wouldn't face trials, that I wouldn't have my down times, but I'm almost creating these bad days for myself. It's like I have some sick desire to be grumpy all the time and it's becoming quite exhausting. I don't want to be that person. I want to be the carefree, less bitter person I used to be. I want to be happy because a friend is excited to talk to me, not get pissy because they don't follow some unwritten text rule that I've written.
I just want to be better.
I've kind of begun the journey already, and some recent events have led me to believe that I'm on the right path. I feel like I'm being tested, and I can't help but think that Satan wouldn't feel the need to butt his nose in if I wasn't resisting him more than in the past.
SO. If you see me being a major downer or grump or whatever, feel free to tell me what's up. Criticism, of any kind, is always welcome. It's too easy to get caught up in myself. Outsiders' perspectives are necessary.
30 DAY MUSIC CHALLENGE
Click here to see the entire list.
Day 18 – A song that you wish you heard on the radio:
I'm a bit of a music snob. I get mad when a band I hold near and dear ends up getting a lot of radio play. I feel like people should have to do the work to fully appreciate music. Talk to friends who have similar musical tastes, research on Pandora or Grooveshark or something of the like, dig through your parents' old albums... Something, anything, other than having the Top 40 channels shove songs down your throat. I tend to think that a lot of people only like certain bands/songs because they're essentially being told to like them.
"Listen to this song we play 500 times a day! It's great!"
"Oh, you know what? It really isn't that bad!"
I'm not saying that musicians don't deserve recognition and lots of money for the hard work they put in, but I think people would be less bored with music in general if they had a greater personal investment in it.
I honestly do not have an answer for this question so I'll just leave you with a song that I'm currently listening to. But go. Find some new music. Music you can get excited over. You won't regret it.
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