Saturday, April 16, 2011

"You take a heart, I can take out you."

I've been putting off writing this post for almost a week. I came up with every excuse in the book, but the truth is that I just didn't want to face my emotions. I didn't quite understand, because I've discussed this with several different people, but then I realized that I only discussed the details. My true emotions was never the topic at hand.

One of my excuses was that I was unsure if I could talk about this without giving up exact details. I don't want to publicly call anyone out, or make anyone look bad. And I'm still not sure if that's possible, but I'm going to try. Please bear with me if it gets at all confusing.

My heart has been broken. Plain and simple. And it breaks a little more every time I tell myself that. I like to think of myself as pretty resilient, but for some reason this break isn't healing as quickly as the others. It's getting there, but certainly not as quickly as I'd like it to. I guess I should rewind to last summer so you can fully understand what's going on. I was basically in a situation where I was taken completely from my comfort zone and thrust into a new, and somewhat frightening, environment. Unfortunate circumstances essentially forced me into a situation that I felt I was not meant to be a part of. I tried and tried to resist. And part of that was my stubbornness, my desire to stay where I felt most at home, but I couldn't quite shake the feeling that this was not where my path was supposed to lead. I kept my heart very guarded, and that is not me. I dive head first into relationships. As I'm sure a few people reading this can attest to, if we become friends I will treat you like a best friend right out of the gate. I'm pretty all or nothing in the relationship department.

Anyway, as stonewalled as I tried to be, I eventually realized that I was not going to be able to worm my way out of the situation. I (VERY) slowly began to let my guard down, and things began to look up a little. I decided that things weren't as bad as I had been making them out to be, and if I was going to be stuck there, I might as well try to make the best of it. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em! The little advances I was making in opening my heart became larger and larger. I put myself out there. I forced myself to go on outings and be social. I am not social. I can't even begin to explain how big of a deal this was. I don't even do things with friends half the time, let alone people I barely know. But I could see the fruits of my labor. I shoved (most of) my anxieties aside, and was finding myself more and more content with the way things were turning out. I was happy.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago to a small conflict between my family and some others. Things were being discussed calmly and rationally though, like adults should, and everything seemed to make its way back to where it initially was. Boy was I wrong. Apparently discussing things calmly and rationally meant "I'm going to be one person to your face, and someone COMPLETELY different when I'm around people 'more important' than you." Long story short, the conflict could not be resolved and we were left with no other option but to remove ourselves from the very situation that I didn't want to be a part of in the first place. The very situation that I struggled and struggled and struggled to become okay with. The very situation that eventually made me happy. I hadn't been truly happy in a long time. And now we were leaving.

At first I tried to convince myself that I didn't care. I didn't have any "real" emotional ties there. I hadn't made any "real" friends. No one had greatly impacted my life. I was just indifferent to it all. Indifference quickly turned to anger, though. The way it all played out disgusted me (it still does), and I couldn't help but think that everything went down exactly opposite of how it should have. These should have been loving, generous people that tried to make everything right. And by right, I don't mean that everyone had to be on the same page, but at least that everyone could have agreed to disagree. Instead, it was their way or the highway, and they didn't really care what happened to us from that point forward. And that is where my anger turned to hurt. To heart break. Even if I didn't make any lifelong friends or deep emotional connections, the truth was that I had become happy with something that I was never going to be a part of again. I opened my heart only to have it closed for me. I had no choice in the matter. I put my trust in someone who broke it.

That is what upsets me most. I am such a trusting person, even when I probably shouldn't be. I'm always giving the benefit of the doubt, the second/third/fourth chances. And the one time my heart was begging me to protect it, I let it down. I exposed it to great joy and, consequently, great pain in a very small period of time. I don't want to be that girl who doesn't trust people. And even more, I don't want to be that girl who doesn't trust herself. That's never been me, and I've been happy with that. Sure, things haven't always gone my way, but I was always content with the person I was and the choices I made. There was never any regret.

Now I am full of nothing but regret.

I'm mostly done grieving, but the broken trust is going to take a lot longer to bounce back from. I'm starting to think that maybe this is all a lesson in putting my trust in God alone. The world will always let me down, but He stands firm. He is always good.

And if you haven't yet made your way over to Sarah's blog to read my guest post, you should probably do that now. Treat yourself to a laugh at my expense, especially after reading this depressing piece of my mind.


  1. One ginormous hug and a mail on its way to you today, lovely. This too shall pass.

  2. From whatever little I know of you Stacey, I can tell that you will get through this, just like you got through every other thing that went wrong with you. Because you might not really pay a lot of attention to it, but you have been the support system to us (me at least) and your faith alone is so infectious that it makes people fall in love with you instantly.

    I know the feeling you just spoke about. When you try and try and try and then you succeed at something, you adjust and accept and then BAM everything changes. It makes me so sad that the only reaction I have is an unsuspecting sarcastic laugh.

    I know I have said this before, but we are all here for you. We know you're strong and healing but sending you lots and lots of positivity and strength from this side of the world.

    Hugs and Kisses

  3. I suspect that is a really crappy feeling.
    I'm sorry to hear you are hurting. :(

    I always was that "all or nothing" kind of friend, if I liked you - I'd move heaven and Earth for you, if I didn't - you were dead to me.

    In recent years, I have been more "open" with my feelings and emotions with casual acquaintances, stangers even, and more often than not it's came back to bite me in the butt.

    It really sucks when you take a chance, it doesn't work, and all you want to do is curl into a ball close yourself off to everyone forever.

    But, I really think instead of emotional rambling gibberish, I should just start name calling. ;)

  4. @Harley Thank you, dear. :) You're the best. ♥

    @Apfel Thank you so much, you got me all choked up. Love you tons! ♥

    @TJ Thank you, sir. :) It's nice to know I'm not alone in this.

    And you definitely should go with the name calling! :)

  5. *sad face* So you're kinda going though the same thing as me. I mean obviously its way different, but like me, you've lost something so suddenly and without warning which was once so comfortable and nice. Ugh! I hate boys (not that you're talking about boys, but I still hate them). Hang in there. Focus on what's good in your life. Oh and I promise I will never let you down! :)

  6. Oh my goodness, you made my heart swell to about 10 times its size. Love you much, lady. ♥

  7. ah... how i can relate!

    i have always trusted too easily and had my heart broken more times than i can count, girl. i never wanted to be the jaded girl that is closed off either, yet i keep getting hurt and having regrets as well.

    i think u are right though, GOd might be trying to show you that he is the only one you can trust. I do believe that we should keep giving to others and putting ourselves out there, just have to be careful to what extend. and possibly, a lesson in discernment... i don't know.

    sorry for whatever has disappointed you stacey =(

  8. I'm sorry that you're hurting. =(

    A big bear hug to you!

  9. I think it's important that you recognize the threat that things like this pose to your trusting nature. The fact that you're aware of it makes it possible for you to make the conscious choice to continue to be the amazingly warm, open, trusting person that you are.

    I hope you feel the gigantic mental hug I am giving you right now. It's a pretty intense hug <3

  10. @Brit Thank you so much for the support. It's good to know I'm not alone. ♥

    @Angie Thank you! Hugs are my favorite! :)

    @Nicole That was perfect. Thank you so, so much. ♥

    And I hope you can feel the gigantic mental hug I'm sending right back at you! :)

  11. I'm so glad we found each other in this big bloggy world. Seriously, your GIFs have turned really awful days into the most amazing days evarrr. I wish I could insert my snuggie GIF in here...

    I hope things look up, soon. <3

  12. Oh, Sara... You are the most amazing cousin a girl could ask for. :) ♥