Thursday, January 27, 2011

"So cut my wrists and black my eyes, so I can fall asleep tonight, or die."

*Disclaimer: My thoughts are a mess, therefor this post is a mess. More of a mess than usual. I'm sorry.

Sometimes I just feel like being super emo.

I know I started out with an awful picture of myself, but man alive... This is just disgusting.

Tonight is one of those times, so much so that I didn't even want to write this post. I've been on this kick of forcing myself to do things I don't want to, though, so here you have it. Because I'm not really in the mood to be writing I don't have anything particularly of interest to mention. My mind is going in about 500 different directions, though, so I thought I'd just make a list of anything that comes to mind.

  • I'm listening to The Postal Service and can't believe that they never made more than one CD. This is some of the greatest music known to man. 
  • I was stupidly eating Ritz crackers in my bed and I dropped the wrapper, resulting in a bed full of cracker crumbs. I'm too lazy to properly clean them up, though, so I'll just end up sleeping in a bed full of crumbs tonight. (That was a blatant exaggeration. It was just a smile pile, and I pretty much cleaned them all up.)
  • I'm currently quenching my thirst with a tall glass of Vernor's, and all of you non-Michigan peeps seriously don't know what you're missing.
  • I just decided that I hate that saying. "You don't know what you're missing." DUH!
  • I read a blog post earlier that got me feeling kind of sad/empathetic/I don't really know what. I was all gung-ho about figuring out why it made me feel that way, but then I (purposely?) started focusing on other things and lost my zeal. 
  • I've been ultra sensitive lately. If I see something sad, I get all weepy and choked up. If I see something mushy, I do that "pop your bottom lip out because it's so cute" thing, and possibly even become weepy on top of it. If I see something happy/cute, I'll smile like I've just taken my first glimpse of my first-born child. I'd like to figure out what the deal is so I can quit being an emotional wreck. (No, it's not PMS.)
  • If I had some sort of psychiatry degree, I'd diagnose myself with having Avoidant Personality Disorder and Dependent Personality Disorder. 
  • Any time I get feeling semi-depressed I always think about this. The momentary depression feeds into it, when it's probably not really the case. I do have social anxieties, but not necessarily to the point of AvPD. DPD is another story. I've mentioned something about it to my mom before, and she said something along the lines of "Uh, you think?!"Gee, thanks ma.
  • My aunt is a mess of neuroses and I see some of myself in her. I'm scared to become her. 
  • I need to take more responsibility for my actions, and lack thereof, for that matter.
  • Do you like how I coyly started out by talking about meaningless things, like this was going to be some stupid post, all the while knowing exactly where I was going to end up with it?
  • In reference to the title of this post, I've never self-harmed. I don't plan on it. I'm not suicidal in the least bit. It was just the most emo song I could think of.
  • It terrifies me that people are going to read this, but that's probably a good thing. I'm sick of lying to myself, and having something staring you right in the face is probably a pretty good way to quit avoiding it. 
  • I'm kind of emotionally exhausted, so I'm going to stop now. Sorry for being such a downer. (I almost said I was sorry for being such a heavy. Apparently I'm a hippie now.)
Click here to see the entire list.

Day 15 - A song that describes you:

I almost skipped today's challenge in lieu of doing whatever I wanted. I was listening to this super amazing song by Passion Pit that all to perfectly expresses how I'm feeling right now. Actually, I lied. This is how I feel about myself on a pretty regular basis. Tonight it just seems to be to the extreme. Anyway. The song. I saw the challenge for today and realized it ended up fitting perfectly with the song. I love when little things like that work out in my favor. ☺

I was all set to be done with this post, and then some. I went on YouTube and typed in "good music" because I wasn't really sure what I was in the mood for. Then this song came up. I adore this song and it seriously makes me cry every time I listen to it. When he sings "I tried so hard!" with such passion and brokenness... Ugh, it absolutely kills me. I'm thinking this was some sort of "break Stacey down (in a good way)" divine intervention, so I had so share it on here. It really is a beautiful song that deserves a listen or two.


  1. I'll have to admit that I googled both AvPD and DPD as I was not familiar with the terms, and I might be a weird mix of both. That aside, I think it's completely normal, natural, and actually better for you that you unload your feelings somewhere, rather than keeping them inside. You very well know what I mean :) I am in the same boat. Sometimes you need to let it all out just for the sake of self evaluation :) *TeddyBearHugs*

    The song by Red. It's on my playlist now!
    Have a Good Night :)

  2. I'm sorry if my old post made you all extra super emo. I'm still around to talk it out if you'd like and maybe we can get to the bottom of what it is.

    I've been here before, though. Super emo? Yep. Sometimes it just hits you you so hard and suddenly. And it seems like my iPod always knows it too because it sets itself to emo. -_-



  3. Sorry to hear things aren't going so well. :( Hope you feel better soon.

  4. omg this is awesome! I photoshop my head and my friends heads on random people's bodies all the time!

    rachel @