"Why don't you be the writer, and decide the words I say."

I don't have anything in particular to say, so instead, I'm just going to spam you with a bunch of random crap. Think of it as a glimpse into my messed up mind. If you leave traumatized, all the better. And I'm thinking that since I've been at such a loss for things to write about lately, maybe you could suggest some things...


* First of all, I received a few awesome awards and I've been too lazy to post about them. The first is from Shannon.

Sexay!

I've received this award once before, so I won't force 7 more random facts upon you, but just admire Shannon's skillz! That is quite possibly the sexiest blog award of all time!

ETA: I lied. I'm bored so I'm going to shove some more randomness down your throat. Also, I'm a greedy jerk and forgot to pass on the award. 


1) I got an Easter Basket today filled with 100 calorie snack packs, granola bars, goldfish crackers, and fruit snacks. It legitimately made me happier than a big basket of candy would have.
2) One of my cats pooped on my bedroom floor this morning. -_-
3) I hate wearing socks. Barefoot all the way! (Except for in tennis shoes. But sometimes I'm lazy and don't feel like looking for a pair, so I'll go without. Whatev.)
4) I eventually want to get a half-sleeve tattoo.
5) I have a bit of an ant phobia. 
6) I've never seen any of the Star Wars movies.
7) I'm a big fan of, what I like to refer to as, old lady candies. Spearmints and peppermints, butterscotch discs, those strawberry candies with the jelly stuff inside, orange slices, spice drops...

I'm passing this on to Bri, because she's is HILARIOUS, and can always brighten whatever crappy day I might be having. Plus, she wrote a song about my dad. It doesn't get much better than that.
I'm also passing it on to Rachel from ChunkyKnubbyNavel. I know I passed it on to CKN before, but this goes specifically to Rachel. Not only has she become one of the most incredible friends/blessings in my life, but she's also super hilarious and blogs WAY too infrequently. Maybe everyone could do me a favor and go hound her to write more... Yeah? Kthx.

The other award is from Apfel, which she doled out FOREVER ago, but I'm a crappy friend and have neglected to share it yet.

Ca-ute!

Thankfully, there are no requirements for this award, other than being awesome.

[X] Awesome
[   ] Not Awesome


* This is my friend Kaitlyn. She is amazing, and beautiful, and incredibly strong, and has been a MAJOR blessing in my life. Get to know her. Right now. Do it.

She made this wicked picture that makes me all nostalgic. Love it? I thought so.

* I bought Lor some Dunkaroos, but I ate them.


* The dreams edition of Alexandra's zine is out. GO BUY A COPY! I even submitted something this time, so why wouldn't you want a copy??


* And lastly, these songs have been in my head like crazy lately. Enjoy!






*OH! Also! I owe Harley an email. Feel free to hound me about it so I don't keep putting it off.

"Can you just give me a second, please? I would like to give my testimony."

I don't particularly expect anyone to empathize with this, or understand where I'm coming from. I still don't completely understand where I am coming from. What I do understand, though, is that this is something God has been telling me to do, and I couldn't ignore Him any longer. If you have any questions or complaints or anything at all, please don't hesitate to talk to me about it. I want to be as open about this as I possibly can.

MY TESTIMONY

"You take a heart, I can take out you."

I've been putting off writing this post for almost a week. I came up with every excuse in the book, but the truth is that I just didn't want to face my emotions. I didn't quite understand, because I've discussed this with several different people, but then I realized that I only discussed the details. My true emotions was never the topic at hand.

One of my excuses was that I was unsure if I could talk about this without giving up exact details. I don't want to publicly call anyone out, or make anyone look bad. And I'm still not sure if that's possible, but I'm going to try. Please bear with me if it gets at all confusing.



My heart has been broken. Plain and simple. And it breaks a little more every time I tell myself that. I like to think of myself as pretty resilient, but for some reason this break isn't healing as quickly as the others. It's getting there, but certainly not as quickly as I'd like it to. I guess I should rewind to last summer so you can fully understand what's going on. I was basically in a situation where I was taken completely from my comfort zone and thrust into a new, and somewhat frightening, environment. Unfortunate circumstances essentially forced me into a situation that I felt I was not meant to be a part of. I tried and tried to resist. And part of that was my stubbornness, my desire to stay where I felt most at home, but I couldn't quite shake the feeling that this was not where my path was supposed to lead. I kept my heart very guarded, and that is not me. I dive head first into relationships. As I'm sure a few people reading this can attest to, if we become friends I will treat you like a best friend right out of the gate. I'm pretty all or nothing in the relationship department.

Anyway, as stonewalled as I tried to be, I eventually realized that I was not going to be able to worm my way out of the situation. I (VERY) slowly began to let my guard down, and things began to look up a little. I decided that things weren't as bad as I had been making them out to be, and if I was going to be stuck there, I might as well try to make the best of it. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em! The little advances I was making in opening my heart became larger and larger. I put myself out there. I forced myself to go on outings and be social. I am not social. I can't even begin to explain how big of a deal this was. I don't even do things with friends half the time, let alone people I barely know. But I could see the fruits of my labor. I shoved (most of) my anxieties aside, and was finding myself more and more content with the way things were turning out. I was happy.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago to a small conflict between my family and some others. Things were being discussed calmly and rationally though, like adults should, and everything seemed to make its way back to where it initially was. Boy was I wrong. Apparently discussing things calmly and rationally meant "I'm going to be one person to your face, and someone COMPLETELY different when I'm around people 'more important' than you." Long story short, the conflict could not be resolved and we were left with no other option but to remove ourselves from the very situation that I didn't want to be a part of in the first place. The very situation that I struggled and struggled and struggled to become okay with. The very situation that eventually made me happy. I hadn't been truly happy in a long time. And now we were leaving.

At first I tried to convince myself that I didn't care. I didn't have any "real" emotional ties there. I hadn't made any "real" friends. No one had greatly impacted my life. I was just indifferent to it all. Indifference quickly turned to anger, though. The way it all played out disgusted me (it still does), and I couldn't help but think that everything went down exactly opposite of how it should have. These should have been loving, generous people that tried to make everything right. And by right, I don't mean that everyone had to be on the same page, but at least that everyone could have agreed to disagree. Instead, it was their way or the highway, and they didn't really care what happened to us from that point forward. And that is where my anger turned to hurt. To heart break. Even if I didn't make any lifelong friends or deep emotional connections, the truth was that I had become happy with something that I was never going to be a part of again. I opened my heart only to have it closed for me. I had no choice in the matter. I put my trust in someone who broke it.

That is what upsets me most. I am such a trusting person, even when I probably shouldn't be. I'm always giving the benefit of the doubt, the second/third/fourth chances. And the one time my heart was begging me to protect it, I let it down. I exposed it to great joy and, consequently, great pain in a very small period of time. I don't want to be that girl who doesn't trust people. And even more, I don't want to be that girl who doesn't trust herself. That's never been me, and I've been happy with that. Sure, things haven't always gone my way, but I was always content with the person I was and the choices I made. There was never any regret.

Now I am full of nothing but regret.

I'm mostly done grieving, but the broken trust is going to take a lot longer to bounce back from. I'm starting to think that maybe this is all a lesson in putting my trust in God alone. The world will always let me down, but He stands firm. He is always good.




And if you haven't yet made your way over to Sarah's blog to read my guest post, you should probably do that now. Treat yourself to a laugh at my expense, especially after reading this depressing piece of my mind.

"Just as easy as ABC, that's how you make it right."

I have lost most of my desire to write, and I'm not exactly sure why. Not that I'm a "writer" anyway, so I'm not too concerned about it. I did see this meme on Angie's blog, though, and I thought it'd be fun to do. It requires little to no thought, and maybe it'll get me back in the groove. Or not. Maybe it'll just take up some time while I'm hiding out from the man installing our windows.

So, without further ado, the ABC meme!

A - Age: 25. Meh.

B - Bed size: Full. I actually inherited this bed after my grandma passed away. I had been sleeping on a crappy futon for years and it was really messing with my already messed up hips. Thankfully, no one was opposed to me taking this bed.

C - Chore you hate: Outside - mowing the lawn. Inside - laundry. I know this is awful, but I'm one of those people who just doesn't do something if I don't find any enjoyment in it. I seriously wait until I'm completely out of clean underwear before I do laundry. And even then, I just pick through for necessities and do a load or two. I have a mountain of laundry in my room that never goes away.

D - Dogs: I love dogs. I love all animals, actually, but you just can't go wrong with a dog. (Cats will always be my number one love, though. Don't think I've switched teams.) After our dog Barney died, we weren't allowed to get another one. Mom says she can't deal with the hurt of losing another one. I think that's lame, but whatever. It's not my house.

RIP Barn-dog. (Please disregard those disgusting roots. I was young and didn't know any better.)

E - Essential start to your day: Waking up.

F - Favorite Color: Yellow. :)

G - Gold or Silver: Silver! I hate gold.

H - Height: 5'4". My mom is 5'10" and my dad is 6'1". Please tell me how this is fair.

I - Instruments you play: I used to rock the crap out of my clarinet, and I can play a few chords on the guitar and piano.

J - Job title: Cashier/Cook. Ugh. And I deal with stupid/rude customers. I love my job, if you couldn't tell.

K - Kids: NONE! I always used to want them, and then I watched my cousin's kids while she was away on a missions trip. I essentially became the new mother, and that was enough to turn me off of the idea. I couldn't handle the monotony of it all. Sometimes I still think I want them, and I wouldn't be outraged if I did. I guess I'm leaving it up to God and my husband.

L - Live: Michigan. Show me your hand and I'll show you where I live.

M - My mom's name: Monica, but she goes by Mickie.

N - Nickname: Stace, and my dad and uncle call me Stacky. Sometimes my mom calls me Stacey B, but that's not really a nickname I suppose. I used to really hate it when people called me Stace. Now it only bugs me if I dislike the person, or if I feel it's too early in the friendship to be doling out nicknames. But sometimes I think it's cute when someone feels close enough to give me a nickname. I don't know, I'm fickle. Chances are, anyone reading this I wouldn't mind calling me Stace.

O - Overnight hospital stay: Once when I was seven. I don't remember what was wrong, something with my stomach, but it was ridiculous. There weren't any rooms open so they had to shove me in the supply room where they kept all of the extra gurneys and random equipment. They also put too much medication in my IV for my little body to handle, so I spent half of the night crying because the stuff was basically burning my insides. This hospital is notorious for being the crappiest place around. No one likes to go there, even for anything minor.

P - Pet Peeve: Oh goodness, where do I begin? Loud chewing noises, rude people, when people sing along to songs they don't know, when people get unnecessarily mad over something, when people can't just forget things and move on (I get over things SUPER easily, probably too easily sometimes)... I could go on forever.

Q - Quote from a movie from a book: "You're not unlovable, child. There's love all around you." -The Secret Life of Bees

R- Right/Lefty: Righty. Both of my parents are rightys and both of my sisters and leftys. They're the only ones in the whole family. It's weird.

S - Siblings: Two younger sisters. Jessie - 21 Melissa - 17

Contrary to what the picture states, this was in 1994. I was such an attractive little boy.

T - Time you wake up: Late. I don't ever sleep until super late at night (technically morning), so I always wake up late in the day. It's always random, though.

U - Underwear: Straight up, plain ol' cotton underwear. I'm all about comfort, and who do I have to impress, anyway?

V - Veggies you dislike: Cooked carrots (they taste like blood), beets, and radishes. Oh, and avocados.

W - What makes you run late: Gosh, practically anything. I hate it, too. I used to ALWAYS be 10-15 minutes early for things. Then I went to college and discovered sleeping in until the last possible second. It was a horrible habit to learn and now I can't shake it. I'm never super late, but always by a few minutes. Ugh, I'm pretty disgusted by it, but it seems like no matter what I do, I can't make it anywhere on time.

X - Xrays you've had: On my teeth when I had braces and before I got my wisdom teeth removed, and a few after a car accident I got into. (Yes, it was my fault. No, I don't really want to talk about it right now. Maybe some other time.)

Y - Yummy food you make: Spaghetti, extra special mashed potatoes. this other thing that I don't have a name for, and anything with eggs. I'm obsessed with eggs.

Z - Zoo animal: Big cats, but tigers especially. And monkeys. And penguins. And birds. And horses. And reptiles. And polar bears, Oh my gosh, I love the zoo!

I could stay in that tunnel and look at his cute little butt all day!