Wednesday, November 3, 2010

"With my feet on the dash, the world doesn't matter."

I sold my van (No, I'm not a soccer mom.) today. Peace out, Sandy.

Since my job sucks and I don't get any hours, which equals no money, I haven't been able to drive my van since spring. The lack of money meant not being able to pay for insurance and tags. It's sucked. I LOVE to drive. Luckily, my cousin and her husband were gracious enough to let me store the ol' gal out at his shop. A few weeks ago, "D" went to move the van  to mow where it had been sitting, and found that it wouldn't start. The battery was dead, but when he hooked the van up to the computer about 5 million things that were wrong with the engine also showed up. Basically, I was screwed. On top of trying to save money to get tags and to be able to pay for insurance, I was now going to have to save up to fix the umpteen things that were wrong. And truthfully, it wasn't even worth it.

I've been putting off going out to clean all of my crap out of it (I used my van as a closet, garbage can, CD/DVD rack, etc... It kind of looked like this.) until today when the cousin let me know that their truck officially took a crap and she wanted to buy Sandy. I had been planning on taking it to the junk yard, but it's now going to good use, plus they gave me $100 more than the junk yard would have. A win/win situation, really. Except for the fact that I am that much further away from ever owning a vehicle again.
After replacing the battery and getting the beast up and running again tonight, "D" brought it over so I could clean all of my junk, and not-junk, out of it. As I approached the giant heap of metal I actually started to get a little verklempt.

I've had so many memorable moments in that thing (late night fast food trips, aimlessly driving for hours, driving over 45 miles just to spend a few hours with my best friend, beach trips, helping move a friend to Kansas...) and the thought of not being able to make more is a bit sad for me. Then I had a moment of clarity and realized that making more memories such as the aforementioned would mean having friends like the ones I had when those were made. And that, my dears, is something that I never want to endure again for the rest of my life.

I was attempting to share my life with people who hold very different morals (or lack thereof) as I do, and that just can't ever work out. Long story short, I had a blow up with the queen bee of our group, and everyone else kind of followed her lead. I was ostracized, but it was for the best. I quit doing the things I knew I shouldn't have been doing, and consequently strengthened my relationship with the Lord. I know that I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, but I can be released from the pressure of trying to live a double life that I knew I shouldn't have been living. It felt like a 1,000 pound weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Of course, there has been quite a few downfalls to losing most of your friends. I don't do much of anything, other than watch TV, listen to music, surf the web, and go to work. It's quite depressing, and it's definitely time to change that.

In getting rid of the van tonight, I feel like I was putting the final piece of the letting-go puzzle into place. All of the memories that I associate with that heap are leaving along with it. I'm starting a  new chapter in my new life. A new-new beginning.

So now I can quit being Emo Stacey,

and start being more of a "Woo hoo, I appreciate life!" kind of Stacey.

It's only for the good of mankind.

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