"Now I'm free, free falling."

A few people have asked me lately how to pronounce "beanditch" and what the meaning is behind it, so I thought I'd take the opportunity and blog about it, killing two birds with one stone.

Firstly, it's pronounced like bean-ditch. Not be-and-itch, as a few people thought. (I'm looking at you, Sara and Whitney.)

Secondly, I'm being REALLY lazy right now, and don't feel like typing this story up, but I love you guys so I guess I will.

Picture it. Michigan. 2003... Some friends and I were on our way home from the mall, and decided to take the back roads for a while. 1) We just really liked doing this, and 2) we once caught a glimpse of really hot guy doing push-ups in his front yard, so we kept driving by trying to see him again. As we were driving, I asked what was growing in the field to the right of us, and when they answered "soy beans," I thought "Soy beans are totally edible! I need out! I need to try one!" Nevermind pesticides. I NEEDED to try a soy bean straight from the source! I was so excited that I took off on a dead run for the field. Apparently, some very tall weeds had recently been mowed down in front of the field, so what looked like flat land was actually weeds covering up a giant ditch. The second I reached the stupid thing, I dropped straight down, and of course my friends erupted in laughter.

Now, I'm all for making a fool of myself to garner a few laughs (just ask my family about my Beyonce - Single Ladies impressions) but this was ridiculous. I could have died broken a leg!  As I collected what was left of my pride and climbed my way out of the ditch, I realized that I had two huge grass stains on my favorite pair of pants. Talk about adding insult to injury.

My friends quickly decided that this little incident needed to live on in infamy, and decided to nickname me beanditch. I now use the name for everything on the internet, because I know it's always available. I got so sick of the Stacey8549303746 usernames. Beanditch is just so much easier.


30 DAY MUSIC CHALLENGE
Click here to see the entire list.

Day 21 – A song that you listen to when you’re happy:

I listen to a lot of songs when I'm happy. A lot of songs make me happy. I was listening to my mp3 player on random last night and came across a song that I had forgotten how happy it makes me. It was one of, if not the, big song off of the album, and I became kind of sick of it, so I would always skip over it when it came on. I'm kind of glad that happened, though, because I was able to have that small euphoric moment last night.





I thought I'd throw this one in for the heck of it. Go ahead and judge me. I don't care. I loved this song as an adolescent (nostalgia = happiness), I love it now, and I truly foresee myself always loving it. You should too.

"So cut my wrists and black my eyes, so I can fall asleep tonight, or die."

*Disclaimer: My thoughts are a mess, therefor this post is a mess. More of a mess than usual. I'm sorry.

Sometimes I just feel like being super emo.

I know I started out with an awful picture of myself, but man alive... This is just disgusting.

Tonight is one of those times, so much so that I didn't even want to write this post. I've been on this kick of forcing myself to do things I don't want to, though, so here you have it. Because I'm not really in the mood to be writing I don't have anything particularly of interest to mention. My mind is going in about 500 different directions, though, so I thought I'd just make a list of anything that comes to mind.

• I'm listening to The Postal Service and can't believe that they never made more than one CD. This is some of the greatest music known to man. 
• I was stupidly eating Ritz crackers in my bed and I dropped the wrapper, resulting in a bed full of cracker crumbs. I'm too lazy to properly clean them up, though, so I'll just end up sleeping in a bed full of crumbs tonight. (That was a blatant exaggeration. It was just a smile pile, and I pretty much cleaned them all up.)
• I'm currently quenching my thirst with a tall glass of Vernor's, and all of you non-Michigan peeps seriously don't know what you're missing.
• I just decided that I hate that saying. "You don't know what you're missing." DUH!
• I read a blog post earlier that got me feeling kind of sad/empathetic/I don't really know what. I was all gung-ho about figuring out why it made me feel that way, but then I (purposely?) started focusing on other things and lost my zeal. 
• I've been ultra sensitive lately. If I see something sad, I get all weepy and choked up. If I see something mushy, I do that "pop your bottom lip out because it's so cute" thing, and possibly even become weepy on top of it. If I see something happy/cute, I'll smile like I've just taken my first glimpse of my first-born child. I'd like to figure out what the deal is so I can quit being an emotional wreck. (No, it's not PMS.)
• If I had some sort of psychiatry degree, I'd diagnose myself with having Avoidant Personality Disorder and Dependent Personality Disorder. 
• Any time I get feeling semi-depressed I always think about this. The momentary depression feeds into it, when it's probably not really the case. I do have social anxieties, but not necessarily to the point of AvPD. DPD is another story. I've mentioned something about it to my mom before, and she said something along the lines of "Uh, you think?!"Gee, thanks ma.
• My aunt is a mess of neuroses and I see some of myself in her. I'm scared to become her. 
• I need to take more responsibility for my actions, and lack thereof, for that matter.
• Do you like how I coyly started out by talking about meaningless things, like this was going to be some stupid post, all the while knowing exactly where I was going to end up with it?
• In reference to the title of this post, I've never self-harmed. I don't plan on it. I'm not suicidal in the least bit. It was just the most emo song I could think of.
• It terrifies me that people are going to read this, but that's probably a good thing. I'm sick of lying to myself, and having something staring you right in the face is probably a pretty good way to quit avoiding it. 
• I'm kind of emotionally exhausted, so I'm going to stop now. Sorry for being such a downer. (I almost said I was sorry for being such a heavy. Apparently I'm a hippie now.)

30 DAY MUSIC CHALLENGE
Click here to see the entire list.

Day 15 - A song that describes you:

I almost skipped today's challenge in lieu of doing whatever I wanted. I was listening to this super amazing song by Passion Pit that all to perfectly expresses how I'm feeling right now. Actually, I lied. This is how I feel about myself on a pretty regular basis. Tonight it just seems to be to the extreme. Anyway. The song. I saw the challenge for today and realized it ended up fitting perfectly with the song. I love when little things like that work out in my favor. ☺






*EDIT*
I was all set to be done with this post, and then some. I went on YouTube and typed in "good music" because I wasn't really sure what I was in the mood for. Then this song came up. I adore this song and it seriously makes me cry every time I listen to it. When he sings "I tried so hard!" with such passion and brokenness... Ugh, it absolutely kills me. I'm thinking this was some sort of "break Stacey down (in a good way)" divine intervention, so I had so share it on here. It really is a beautiful song that deserves a listen or two.